Tooheys Extra Dry Platinum

Seriously! What’s next?-- ------------We’ve taken Toohey’s Extra Dry Platinum, added a FOURTH filtration process, then evapourated half of it, pissed in it to make up the volume, and threw in some capsicum rinds to give it a whiff of hop character. And for our secret ingredient, we went over to your house and punched your mum in the face, then captured her tears in every bottle! And did we mention that we used air-popped popcorn instead of malt, so it is extra low carb? And finally, our labels are made from genuine Canadian seal skin-- collect a carton full and you can make a handsome winter beanie out of them! We call it "Toohey’s Ultimate Gimmicky Lager"

Well I tried big Ted and little Ted side by side and really there is not a real lot of difference, colour is a shade paler, head didn’t pour as large but the retention "or lack of" was the same, on the nose you can notice the extra alcohol and the taste is near enough to the original ted that the youth of today will give this a try and reckon it is a fantastic beer mainly cos it is 6.5% alcohol and it comes in a 8pk.

Down here in Australia there would have to be very few who haven’t been exposed at some time in their life to Play School. A long running show for pre-school kiddies where adults stand there and sing songs, tell stories and make cut-out duckies and sailboats. One of the enduring characters is Big Ted, a senior citizen amongst the bear community even when the show started all those years ago. Big Ted is one of those laconic, floppy type of bears who sits there without saying much (well he is stuffed, ed.), but who demands respect because of his presence and bearing. So is this Big TED of a beer the same? Or is he just a newcomer on the block who boasts of strength but has no real substance about him to back it up? Sadly the latter appears to be the case. Firstly, place the original TED and this one side by side. No difference. Both have that similar pale yellow colour of the third piss after having had a berocca followed by a litre of water. There is colour but not in great or impressive quantities. The nose of the beer is like the humour in a cross of My 3 Sons and Happy Days. The only difference in this nose is that you can tell there is a higher ABV. The resulting mouthfeel is similar with a harshness of fusel alcohol very much in the blend. Hops are typically low profile and the after burn of overcarbonation makes the whole experience one not to be repeated. With 1.8 standard drinks per stubbie, this is clearly marketed towards young blokes who want to get blotto on a Satdy night. Added to the fact that this is marketed as an eight pack (!!!) means that you can throw down 14.4 standards before throwing it back up again. So while Play School is an original delight every day there will surely be a lot of repeats for many of our Aussie youth. Me, I’ll stick to just the one episode thanks.

A cheap fix for the kind of drinker who compares price to abv, then buys the cheapest, strongest beer they can find. Teenagers, basically. Can’t knock that too hard because there was a period when my dim-witted schoolmates and I would perform the same calculation and come up with Carlsberg Special Brew. However, no one with any sort of palate will drink this. It looks identical to the original - pale gold with a predictably brief hello-goodbye head. The extra alcohol shows in the aroma, where the usual wet dog and POR are splashed with vodka. It’s there in the flavour as well, which is mainly alcohol. Not surprising - Tooheys Extra Dry tastes of nothing much, so if you filter it again and beef up the abv, you get prominent fusel alcohol, a hint of marmalade and sugar water. It’s oilier than the original. The only reason to drink this is to get drunk. Hello drain, goodbye Platinum. (345ml bottle from Clovelly Cellars; best before 20/2/07)

Mmm, yum - It’s a good old mouthful of chemicals bound for next day regret, guilt and a f**kin’ wicked hangover. Why was this even conceived, let alone created? This just oozes some twats attempt at marketing a product that may just win people back off of Smirnoff Ice and Woodstock Blue, and onto some fair dinkum Aussie shite lager!!! It pours a pale, palest, yellow gold with an artificial soapy white head. No extra points there!. Eggy fart, cardboard and stale hops make up the seductive aroma, whilst inside the mouth the eggs are near rancid. Castor sugar and rusting swarf, those damn eggy notes and some ’A’ grade soggy cardboard make up the artificially sweet palate. Slick and almost oily in mouthfeel, with an odd tart note that hooked me now and again and some very plastic notes that lingered after I carefully swallowed. Harshly crisp, POR ring bells in the mouth whilst my stomach turned after each slow sip. This is nasty stuff. It’s like concentrated vomit comprised of a chemical night out. Advice Toohey’s - ’Scrap It!!!’ (345mL, 23/03/07)