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Stone Justification Ale

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Fun & Humour April 2, 2004      
Written by RateBeer

Santa Rosa, CALIFORNIA -

Stone Justification Ale was this year’s April Fool’s joke, and more than a few members of Ratebeer took the time to make their opinions felt regarding this grand brew. Enjoy.

<P> Willblake

<P>Finally, mega-bombers of Stone's finest reach New Jersey. I ran with scissors wee-wee-wee-wee all the way home to start digging in to my newly purchased case of Justification Ale! And what an experience! Myth knows not the suffering humanity will face now that I have taken this apple from the serpent Koch. Forever will man and carbs meet at this place of reckoning. The Beer floats from bottle to glass, so light and full of life. From the glass, it self-propels up my straw en route to the stage that has become my tongue. Stage left: enter the malts full of ripe grain; oh! I feel the part of a bird gorging in springtime! Enter stage right: Hops at once bitter, bitter as hatchet wielding Carry Nation bearing down on some ancient pub, and floral, flowery explosions of the tundra, a tundra bereft of winter's suffering. Indeed, I too am freed of winter's pains, freed of a long winter of full bodied, rich, sweet, bold, smoked, roasted, spiced brews. Onward and upward, Stone will redefine our millenium with this new benchmark, a JUSTIFICATION for a new generation, a resolution to the reckoning. Perhaps against my will, but beyond my control--this is my first perfect score.

<P>It smelled of sunrise and wind blowing through cornstalks. It glowed a firey yellow with little floating cabochons of light rising from the bottom to join with the mirthful clouds that combined into a frothy head like no other. The taste was of ambrosia, food of the gods, bestowing immortality on those who would otherwise be considered unworthy. The palate was varied and complex, bringing forth a cascade of flavor that spanned the gamut from honey stolen from Satan's very own bees to pine from Mother Earth's bath to Cinnamon from between god's toes. But come on, Low carb? Fuck that!

<P>Fizzy head that vanishes quickly, like an erection at 4 AM when you channel surf from a phone line ad to a commercial for "Sweatin' to the Oldies." Color is sleepless and furious. Aroma of juniper, Walden Pond, my third ex girlfriend's box, myrrh, a decomposing dachshund's body discovered shortly after the melting of the snow, and saffron. Once inside you, it forms a net at your stomach's gate that prevents all food from getting in, allowing for maximum fitness at maximal costs. The heartburn will not stop. I want to die. Someone please help me.


<P>When the folks at Stone brew a beer, they go to the extremes of its style, and this is no exception. Poured a limpid clear color, no head, no carbonation. Was their any liquid in the bottle? Was there any liquid in the glass? I think I drank this beer, but maybe I didn't. I do have the bottle sitting here next to the computer, so I must have drank it...

<P>Head is initially large, frothy, chartreuse, mostly diminishing. Body is off-white, bottle conditioned. Aroma is lightly malty (fairybread), lightly hoppy (marijuana), lightly yeasty (pus), with light notes of methane, fried mushrooms and milk. Flavor is lightly sweet, lightly acidic, lightly bitter. Finish is lightly sweet, lightly bitter, lightly acidic. Light body, fluffy texture (fairyfloss), lively carbonation.

<P>100-gallon hogshead, cellar temperature. Aaaarrrgggh it smarts, as it should when yer arm has been knocked clean off by the broadsword of an unworthy demon hoardling. But I am not the uncontested King of Aquillonia for naught, and I Conan struggled onward, hewing to the right and slashing to the right, for there was vast treasure to be found in King Varden's fabled halls, and I meant to have it!
<P>I fought my way through the legions of skeletons and zombies that made up the undead lord's outer defenses just as darkness fell. The light was dim in the hallway as I burst through the 3-inch-thick iron-banded oak door with a single kick of my mighty right leg. I grabbed the only lit torch I could discern in the feeble glare and quickly tied it to the stump of my left arm. The heat felt good on the wound, but the sweat was pouring down my face and deeply-muscled chest and I was tiring quickly. The stench of death was in the air, and not just any death -- undead death! As I worked my way inward and downward, I came across vampires, mummies, lesser demons and ghouls, all still and waxlike. I was puzzled. Then it hit me: the sorceror-King must in desperation, knowing that my armies had him surrounded, have cast a spell to rid the castle of demonic presences other than his own...he must in fact have believed in the rumours that my own blood was tainted by hellspawn! I was simultaneously disgusted and flattered, as I threw all my weight into crushing the final door into splinters. The Demon-King shrieked like a skewered pig as I heaved my mighty 2-handed sword threw his withered body, and I laughed the laugh of the triumphant. I had conquered the last of the fabled Kingdoms of Demonland, and sure enough my prize awaited as the door to the vault behind Varden's throne opened and the chilling, mystic voice of the long dead wizard Gregkoch beckoned, "enter oh greatest of Kings, thou hast at last achieved thy JUSTIFICATION!"

<P>Finally, a low carb entry from Stone. What a brew. The one beer to drink when you're only drinking one... hundred and twenty. After my 120th, I totally had a buzz! Swear to God!

<P>I was planning a 60 miler on my road bike today. I usually fill my water bottles with some gatorade for fuel but I saw an add in the latest Cycling mag with riders prominently pounding low carb beers so I filled up with Justification figuring why not have some REAL flavor as well. Mistake! You see, when you are exerting yourself for 3-4 hours averaging 18mph on a self-powered vehicle you NEED CARBS! I don't get those ads at all. I didn't even get 25 miles before collapsing on the side of the road in a semi-coma, totally bonked. Phoned my wife to bring some Arrogant stat; just now starting to walk normally. This zero carb nonsense is no good for atheletic endeavors, just say no.

<P> Flew my ass directly to the brewery for this one. MY GOD! Can a beer, letalone a locarb one be this good? My taste buds are leaping off my tounge to get to the hops, malts , adjunts and whatever other voodoo crap they perpetrated to make a beer this great.Asstounding!!!
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<P>Rating # 555!! My favorite low alcohol beer of all time. Crisp golden color with a frothy white head that left beautiful lacing. Basically the aroma and tastes have been described dead on by what everyone else has said. So read theirs, and you'll know exactly how this tastes :-)

<P>God in a bottle. Flavorless as can be. No flavor and no weight gain. All of this in a 12oz bottle. How do they do it?


<P>Sadly, this is Stone's worst offering. Tastes like Michelob Ultra but more like water. I mean, I thought the ad campaign was cool with hot chicks saying, "What's a hop?" very sexily but the proof is in the pudding or beer or whatever.

<P>bottled: this rate compliments of scraff letting me in on a great beer and a little hanky panky (nothing gay)...airmailed this beauty straight to my doorstep (east coast to west) in about 2-3 hours. lightning fast that scraff. sat out in the 80 degree sun here in las vegas for about an hour. decided to try it just this way... NIICE... smells like my resark after a long sweaty afternoon on the bike. those little chunks add lots of texture to the palate. kinda reminds me of a salmonella milkshake of sorts. but, enjoyable, never the less. kids you should go way, way, way out of your way for this one. its worth it!!


<P>As part of a healthy diet, I had 6 bombers of this to wash down 3 pounds of bacon and a jar of mayonaise. Delicious!
<P>I kept hearing all of the hoopla about Stone Justification so I ran out to my local nutrition store and picked up the powdered version. I threw in a raw egg and whipped some up in the blender. MMM, good. Now I'm ready to fight Apollo Creed with my Stone muscles.

<P>Woohoo, this freaking rocks. Since it's made by Stone I can finally admit my love for this low-carb craze. I bet Greg Koch and company love it because with such a light body, they only have to use about 3 hop flowers per barrel brewed and it still comes off a little hoppy. It's like hop tea. Whee!!

<P> Blue pill from Matrix in bottled version. Alters time, space and all that is known. Reason flows after cap has rusted away in time, making the motion of light waves perceivable. Not just low in carbs, it sucks them from the system, scrapes encrustations from arteries, cleans the blinds and takes out the trash. Aroma has relieved me of unwanted nose hair.I have seen the future and it exists, but I am no longer.

<P>I think I'm not alone when I say that we've all been waiting for this. Pours like it was lemonade- very, very light lemonade with no taste at all. Hops? Please, if we included hops there would be too many carbs! Rumor has it this beer has less carbs than water. Get yours while you still can!!!

<P>Thunderously I belched after powering down a few bombers of Justification. A beer that invokes music; What a great concept! I knew it would take a company like Stone to show the beer world how to properly use adjuncts to make a great brew. In honor of Justification, at the 8th Anniv party is everyone going to be dying his/her hair piss yellow? Greg?


<P>WOW-a low carb beer that tastes like Dark Lord-Huge aroma of hops with great malts to back it up. This palate is the thickest i have ever seen in a beer AND ITS LOW CARB!!! This is the holy grail for those Atkins beer drinkers out there. Truely wonderful. This has great signs of aging!


<P>if john goodman scraped the curd from his anus and used it to brew beer, i suspect it would taste something like this. Clear neon green color, smooth as hell though. i could hardly resist to pour some on my head and chest to refresh my body as well as my throat.


<P>Finally a beer that I can drink all day and still keep my girlish figure. So what if it doesn't taste good and it is not possible to get drunk off of it!


<P>I can't believe nobody here picked up the aroma and flavors of pure horse diarhea that was barrel aged in the Southern Cali heat for 6 months before release. What a bouquet! This is great stuff that should be tried by every last beer drinking soul on earth. Like Oakes said, its Dirty Sanchez classy, but I would add an additional touch of felching, followed by a good old fashion Cleveland Steamer classiness to round it out. Very special stuff indeed...

<P>Looks like mucus with a bile head. The aroma brings back memories of that cold night I spent inside a dead tauntaun’s belly to keep warm. There is a prickly carbonation, like shards of glass on the roof of my mouth. This is followed by a bloody aftertaste. The flavour closely resembles lapsang souchong made with camel saliva…hey anything that reminds me of my days crossing the Taklamakan can’t be all that bad. The finish is as long and torturous as falling out of an airplane at 39,000 feet with no parachute. Truly a masterpiece of repugnancy, Stone Justification is as classy as Dirty Sanchez.


<P>Man, this beer is like celery--you actually burn calories by drinking it. The color is completely clear with no head or carbonation. Flavor is of Perrier combined with Evian with a note Michelob Ultra in the finish. Special thanks to the guys at Stone who, knowing their beers are unavailable to me in Illinois, sent me this special delivery via-catapult.


<P>This is the best beer. Ever. EVER, I SAY! They are selling this stuff at my local gym, and evidently it is outselling Gatorade. No shizzle! It is about time that the slackers at Stone listened to their customers and made a low carb beer. I guess my constant phone calls and emails paid off.

<P>Buch_Dich was the rater that surprised me with a bottle!
Man, This beer was the SHIT!

Poured a light coppery body and a fluffy white head that looked like it might even have some green hues on the edges. The aroma was like that of piss that a dehydrated dog peeing on a sloppy pile of juicy cow patty. Grainy, and acidic, sweet then tart, stomach bile, then a sprinkling of nut sweat from a morbidly obese man that has never shaved his balls because he hasn’t seen them since he was 11 years old. It also reminds me of ass stench. If I went and hiked the Rain Forests of Costa Rica for 3 months and never wiped my butt after I pinched a duce…. Yeah it might have this kind of aroma! This beer is so disgusting it’s actually delicious and intrancing, I’m in love with a low ABV beer!

I never thought I would rate a beer this high…. But I have!

<P>After sampling this, I don’t think of this one as “low carb” nearly as much as “incredibly high fiber”. After two sips I was on the toilet, and five hours later I’m still here. I was able to lean over and drink from the faucet for a while, but now I’m up too high to reach it. I’m getting really thirsty. If someone reads this, can you please bring me a bottle of water? You might want to plug your nose. Or wear a protective suit. At any rate, the wallpaper has stripped itself off the wall and all the soap scum has been eaten off the tile. The bathroom looks really, really clean from up here. I’ve certainly lost a lot of weight, but I think my colon is in pretty bad shape. I mean, I’m not sure, as I think it’s probably a couple of feet down by now.

<P>Aroma is like a bag of donuts. Pure unadulterated pure cane sugar coming at you like a steam train running late. Lovely lacing like BBB63 prefers to wear when folks aren't looking. Lots of head like most here say they get but really only do in the Dark OT. Dark, viscous and light at the same time. How DID they do that? The mouthfeel is somewhere between a bag of chips and mash potatoes. Alcohol is hidden under the frilly lacing, but if you call in advance you can have a representative meet you at the desk. I can always count on Stone to bring me something that has a raspberry cream center and this is no exception.

<P>I couldn't believe that the Elephant and Castle on King has this stuff on tap. Stone Beers are always hard to find. It looks like water but the beer seems to have an unending supply of foam. There must be M.S.G. in it because I can't stop drinking this stuff. I've tried a lot of low-alc/carb beers and this is the best. It smells like biege paint and half digested fruit.


<P>I was very skeptical at first. I was like "Stone? Low carb? yeah right!" But I eventually got a trade going (Thanks mjames!) and got a sixer from him. It has an aroma like fresh chocolate chip cookies and sunny delight but very complex. The alcohol is not present at all. The flavor is very balanced and leaves a film of green color behind (wtf?!). This is so good and complex for such a low abv. Not only can I drink this on a really hot day after a bike ride but I can drink this on a hot day WHILE i'm bike riding. I like the little scratch and sniff sticker on the back that smells like Greg Kosh's dirty laundry, truly classic. Another winner from Stone!


<P>I can dig the low carb thing. I must say, this beer goes great while I'm working out at the gym. I usually just pour it in a water bottle and sip it while I'm lifting. Also goes great after you've just finished a long run on a hot summer day. Nothing says hydration like alcohol. I mean, you see those Mich Ultra commercials about people drinking beer after they finish a run and you think "RIDICULOUS!!!" but then you try stuff like this and wonder "Wow, I'm never going to drink water again". So much like water, I use it in place of water in everything. Fishtanks, my dog's drinking water, cooking, we even fill our pool up with it. Kids love swimming in this stuff!

<P>Brownish red body with no head, chunks of bacon and pork rinds floating about. Aroma of italian sausage and corned beef. Flavor is very salty and fatty due to the 50/50 meat/water concoction that makes this beer. I heard it was fermented by E. Coli. I may have a coronary at 30, but at least I'll look good in the casket.


<P>This will be my last ever beer rating, for I have the answer to all of my dreams. I can now drink all the beer I want with out upsetting Dr Atkins, God rest his soul. As I drink I can feel the pounds melting away. Good bye beer belly, hello abs of steel. No more smelly gym for me! I have got all the Justification I need to sit on my ass all day and eat Wendy's triple cheeseburgers (no bun thank you very much). As for the beer, its golden hued body and pillowy white head remind me of a big plate of pancakes topped with processed whipped cream substance. The aroma is that of Velvetta Shells and Cheese mixed with Swanson’s Hungry Man All-Day Breakfast. The flavor is an explosion of Philly Cheese-steak Hamburger Helper, with just enough chicken-fried-steak to balance things out. The beer dances on the palate like a scalded dog in heat. Thank you Stone!


<P>Nasty stuff, this low flavor, low carb, low alcohol pig swill. Maybe that's what they use to brew it with. Pig guts. Yeah, that's it, pigs guts. And maybe some of what the pig was eating at the trough. Weak, watery, no flavor, no taste, no alcohol, no nothing. Might as well hang myself now, there's nothing left to live for.

<P>I love this brew,no more slaveing over a hot stove for me.Just pop a bottle of this awesome elixir and watch the pounds come off.Granted there are the side effects of ballistic shits but hey what can you expect when you need a low carb.This is it.

<P>Shag<P>What kind of crap is this? Stone jumping on the Atkins bandwagon! The Arrogant Bastard has turned into the Sissy Bastard by pulling a stunt like this. And worse yet this beer tastes like a freaking breakfast burrito. Is this really a beer or is it liquid gravy? And the aroma is just horrible! It smells like a pill bottle. What a horrible, nasty, disgusting beer!

<P>Finally, I can really get comfortable with this low-carb craze. I scored a bottle of "Justification" this morining and decided to have it for breakfast. Fortuitous, because Justification is brewed with Water, Bacon, gravy, sausage, hops, eggs, the mereset hint of barley, and cheese. Smells great, of course, like the lobby of a Denny's, but takes a LONG time to pour. In fact, I reccommend zapping it in the microwave for a few minutes to get it to come out of the bottle. It looks, frankly, like crap in the glass, so I suggest pouring onto a plate instead, and I used a fork. Very savory, very chewey. Flavors of pork and beef (no chicken here - this is a man's beer!) mixed with buttery, fatty flavor - EXCELLENT! goes great with a bag of little chocolate donuts, or the whole damn box Girl Scout Thin Mints.



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